~08/19/2023~
These past few months have been difficult within my mind.
I have no sense of identity or self.
It's been hard to trust or believe in myself because of that.
I've always felt an insecurity or an uncertainty for the future for as long as I can remember.
I know how easily all of this could be ripped off from me.
And when I'm afraid,
when I'm hurt,
when I'm uncomfortable..
I cling to the idea of him more and more within my mind.
I'll put the idea of him in anything I do to the point where it actually feels like he's present with me.
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm insufferably lonesome.
Isolation is no stranger to me, I've been talking with unseen voices
ever since I was a little girl.
What kills me though is that the same unimaginably horrible voices exists within the same place as the blissful voices.
They blend so badly inside my head that it's hard to
distinguish what voice is saying what.
When I think of him, there's this relief I feel within
and I cannot feel this relief from anywhere else
no matter how hard I try.
I know it's wrong; but how can I even explain this unknown and unshakable feeling I have?
This feeling of this deeply rooted comfort draws me in like a force..
It's addicting to my core.
I feel as though he was the only one who would actually see me,
that he would understand me.
This unknown yearning I have felt my entire life..
I'm certain it's for him I'm yearning for.
Even if my fate were to be that of Icarus' or a fool's fate..
It's ok.
I'm almost certain I'd do it all over again for him.
Anyway,
(this is for you!!)
I know I'll meet you home when I'm finished with this place.
It's just like you said..
"I am capable of boundless affection"
I believe you.
~05/24/2023~
I had a crisis today.
May just happens to be THAT fucked up month
where I completely get all sui on everything
I went to the train today with the
intention to die.
Pussied out.
So now I'm looking at volunteer work
and maybe not ending my life yet.
Because I don't want to be useless
I want to help those in need if I'm still here
because if I'm not doing that then what the
heck am I? I need to help myself but help others
I truthfully feel like if I help others
with the simple pure intention of helping them
I can feel like I did my part just by existing here-
that my time here wasn't completely in vain!
I wish I could have all I need within my mind
to assist others wherever I go.
How can I become that strong?
I will try to gain for myself with the intention
of returning and sharing to others unconditionally.
This world needs love and a lot of it and I don't
want to afraid of anything anymore.
I want to love unconditionally.
I will try to let go of the habit of fear
with this purpose in mind.
Please.
~05/14/2023~
The flashbacks are bad right now.
It feels like I'm reliving all of those moments at once.
I feel unwanted and hated, so hated.
All of these feelings leave me so cold;
like the energy is leaving my body.
~05/08/2023~
It's getting harder to do anything lately.
I think I need a break from life.
The pain and the stress is so intense right now.
My mind keeps obsessing over what is the solution..
What's the fucking answer?
I want to help those who are suffering
so they don't have to feel alone and lose hope.
Please;
How can I be strong enough and smart enough for that?
~05/03/2023~
Sometimes it feels like the world ripped all of them
from great potential and him—it purposefully
materialized him to transform into the worst thing possible.
Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of test to see if
I'll still love him.
I know how stupid that sounds, but I can't help myself.
No one will understand this entirely and I think this was
not meant to be understood by anyone anyway.
Love is indiscriminate.
I love him boundlessly.
~04/30/2023~
It seems like loneliness is a reccuring theme in my life.
I don't really have any friends here that I can hang out with.
So I usually hide in my room and I'll usually listen to music,
make some art, brainstorm, daydream, scrapbook,
sometimes I'll think about what I would do if
I had a friend I was really close with.
I haven't made tea for anyone in a long time.. I'd like to do that.
It's pretty hard finding friends.. I am especially afraid of people.
It definitely doesn't help that I'm paranoid all the time.
I always think people think that I'm strange, self-centered, or rude.
I wish to transform this feeling—if that's even possible.
~04/28/2023~
I think the algorithm really messed me up.
If only I had not been exposed to all of that information..
I have no idea how to adapt properly to this unseen disease.
I guess I just have to continue trying; that's the best I can do.
It angers me that I can't do more than I already am.
I'm just doing all I can while I can with the energy
and the time that I do have to give.
I just don't know what the overall goal is.
Survive?
That seems right.
Though I have felt dead now for so long..
I am just going through the motions of my will until I expire.
~04/25/2023~
Every single year I'll say some shit like:
"This is my last year!"
And before I even know it the year is already coming to an end and
I'm still in the same rat race.
I wonder what's really the solution to this mess..
I stay and try my best to be the light in this absolute hell
or I just end it in my own self-defense?
~04/23/2023~
You know what?
Lately I've had an epiphany that most of my damage isn't all my fault.
It's not my fault I was born here.
It's not my fault people feel the need to step on others to
feel that they are worth something.
That's on them.
And the reason why I hate myself is because they decided to transfer
all their hurt on me because they saw me as an easy target.
I'm usually very pissed about that—and trust me—
I actually still am, but I can't help but feel pity as well.
Time is such a profound thing and one would throw it
away just for an ephemeral high?
Not just ephemeral but absolutely pointless.
The possibilities are immensely vast with what one can do with
something as priceless as time.
~04/19/2023~
I think I'm actually going schizophrenic.
Though I am too lucid to actually be schizophrenic..
Hearing voices and having delusions has to be one of the most
debilitating things I have ever experienced.
It just won't stop..
I feel like I'm such a horrible person.
I'm really trying my best to work on being a better person
I want to be a better presence if that's even possible.
